When people hear about abusive controlling relationships, they often ask, “Why doesn’t she just leave?” or “How did he allow himself to end up in that situation?”
In the beginning of a relationship, the abuser starts off with a subtle controlling behavior that is often misinterpreted as love. This is especially true if the victim came from a family where they received little attention or affection. The partner’s constant monitoring may seem enduring and pleasant, simply because you don’t know the characteristics of a healthy, loving relationship. As time passes, you will find yourself in an abusive relationship with no way to escape.
It is important to know the signs of control early in a relationship, as it can help you identify unhealthy behaviors and avoid potentially abusive situations.
Signs of Controlling Behavior
MONITORING YOUR EVERY MOVE
If your significant other constantly asks you where you are going or have been and becomes upset if you refuse to disclose this information, this can a be sign of controlling behavior. With technology, it is very important that you carefully monitor your cellphone, laptop, and tablets, as abusers will often put tracking apps on your devices without your knowledge or consent. If your significant other is obsessed with your whereabouts, this is not love…they are controlling.
ISOLATING YOU FROM FRIENDS AND FAMILY
Controlling abusers love to isolate their victims from their support system, making it harder for them to escape. They start by telling you your friends are backstabbers or are gossiping about you behind your back. They are quick to point out the shortcomings of your family members and encourage you to sever ties with them. However, they will continue to communicate with their family members even if they display the same toxic behaviors.
MAKING ALL THE DECISIONS
The controlling person will decide what you eat, wear, and engage in. They make ALL the decisions in your relationship and rarely will ask for your input. If you speak up to voice your opinion, it will often fall on deaf ears. This starts out subtly at first but will sprout into a one-sided dictatorship.
CONSTANTLY CRITICIZING YOU
Controlling abusers are very critical of others. They will comment on your hairstyle, clothes, and behavior. They must give their opinion, even if you do not ask for it.
USING THREATS OR INTIMIDATION TO GET THEIR WAY
Ultimatums are their forte! “If you do this, I will do that…” are their go-to rule of thumb to intimidate you into submission. They are masterminds at tricking you into thinking your action(s) are wrong and they are the level-headed one with all the “right” ideas concerning your relationship.
CONTROLLING YOUR FINANCES
As your relationship progresses, the controller will want to manage your finances. They will do this by encouraging you to quit your job so they can “take care of you,” or get a joint bank account with them for accountability. They may even secretly attempt to get you fired so they can control the money and income. Once they have control of the finances, you become their prisoner because you do not have the financial means to leave the relationship.
CONSTANTLY CHECKING UP ON YOU
Your partner calls and text several times during the day, especially if you are away from them. Initially, this may appear as if they are concerned, however, this behavior can quickly turn into stalking. The next thing you know, this person shows up at your job and in various places you visit without advanced notice.
NOT RESPECTING YOUR BOUNDARIES
If you have found your significant other reading your emails, diary, or text messages without your consent, they do not respect your boundaries. Everyone should have the right to confidential information. Your life should not be an open book for your partner to read whenever they want to.
Recognizing these signs early on can help you take steps to protect yourself and seek help if needed. It’s important to recognize these signs and address them in a healthy way. Understanding what constitutes control can also empower you to set boundaries and maintain a healthy relationship dynamic.
Metaphysical Wisdom 